We had no reason to expect the same scenario with this new baby. It came completely unexpected. The news that our newest granddaughter was gravely ill, just like her brother had been when he was born, caught me unaware and feeling like an unsuspecting wave was sweeping me out to sea. I was overcome with grief for this family, for their aching hearts and for mine.
I began to question God. Why had He allowed this to happen again? We prayed on our knees that this baby would be born without incident and we would welcome her into the world with the usual hoopla that most babies are delivered with. We would all hold, snuggle, and grin stupidly at her as we passed her from one to another wondering who she looked like.
As those hopes and dreams began to evaporate into thin air on that unusually brisk day in the early fall the harsh reality began to sink in. Again! We are going to do this all again! Really, God?!?!
The suffering was so great, the grief so intense, as we watched this beautiful girl restrained with padding across her chest, headphones to keep out the noise, no touching, stroking or holding. The incubator was completely enclosed with a quilt over the top to add even more darkness. All the lights were off with a big SHHHHH! Sign on the door. Her mother sat quietly by her side day after day while the ventilator/oscillator filled those tiny lungs with air. More medicines than I can even recount pumped into her pic line, which had to be surgically inserted. She was also sporting a thick elastic shoulder brace to protect a broken clavicle and a feeding tube in her belly button. Tubes and tape prevented us from seeing her face for more than 10 days!
Those days were dark days for her and for us. We watched in disbelief as this little flower from God was kept alive with machines, equipment and medicines. All of a sudden God didn’t feel so good. He didn’t feel so loving and kind. All of the sudden I felt abandoned, lonely and disappointed. His Word no longer comforted me. Let the suffering begin!
When God begins to squeeze us with circumstances in our lives, He is proving us, testing us, to see if we will trust Him in the dark valleys of life. At those times we begin to see ourselves more clearly. Our faith is on the front burner now. It is here where we begin to see the pressure of our current situation expose our weakness. Dark days indeed, for more than one reason!
As God burned off the unbelief, weak faith and skeptic that had taken up residence in me, He revealed my heart to me. Suffering like My Jesus had suffered would be the only way to strengthen my relationship with Him. I would need to partake in some of what He had experienced for me.
Thank you, Lord, for dying for me.